Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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