There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
