I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
