I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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