Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
