life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize