Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
