Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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