on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
