Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
So here I am, sexting at work.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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