Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
