you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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