If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize