I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
