The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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