I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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