I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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