I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
