im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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