I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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