i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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