thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
