he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
