She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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