Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
