If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
