I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We had to coat check the pizza.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize