As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
