peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
