remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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