You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize