im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it was like eating out sand paper
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
