That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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