gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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