I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
