my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
