Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
