I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
