I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
