i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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