Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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