All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm jealous of your bromance
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
