She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize