she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
