he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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