I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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