No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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