When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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