In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
So here I am, sexting at work.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
