we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize