woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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