So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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