Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
