I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
it's like iHOP with fire
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
