It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize