never play flip cup with pint glasses
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
