Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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