Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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